Dear Jenny, I recently hired an air compressor from HSS hire shops. I'd been using it to spray my caravan with some kind of paint, either red or green ~ I'm colourblind, so I can't really tell. Anyway, the air compressor stopped and I thought it might be a problem with the pump which I dismantled. Unfortunately, I dropped some of the mechanism in the toilet and left another piece in the garden in the rain. HSS are insisting I pay £300 for a new compressor! I think this is unfair as it was their compressor which broke. - Gavin Toss, Disbury
Jenny Says: Gavin, I'm sorry but I just don't know.
Dear Jenny, My wife has kicked me out of the house after she discovered that I paid a prostitute with a cheque from our joint account. I told her I was sorry and gave her the cash to make up her half of the money. But she still won't talk to me. What have I done wrong? - N. Umlock, Beith
Jenny Says: You used the joint account without telling her first. It was a breach of trust. Show her you're sorry by buying her some lovely chocolate - like a Mars Easter Egg.
Dear Jenny, I was recently on a day out paintballing, and had a great day. Unfortunately, I got a bit carried away and shot a member of staff in the eye. I say it was an accident, and they should wear a safety mask in a paintball place anyway. They say that I shouldn't have even had the gun in the restaurant. The member of staff is suing me for damages. What should I do? - Gavin Toss, Didsbury
Jenny Says: Why not write a letter of apology and send the man you shot some Cadbury's Roses.
Dear Jenny, Last year, I decided I wanted to see the future. Cryogenic freezing seemed like the best idea, but my dad keeps unplugging the chest freezer whenever he finds me in it. After this had happened a few times, they sold the freezer and bought a much smaller 'larder' one which I cannot possibly fit into. Surely, at 29, I am old enough to make my own decisions without my parents veto-ing them.
Mr Strudy, Bognor Regis
Jenny Says: You're right. Your human rights were breached each and every time your dad unplugged your Electrolux tomb. I have forwarded your letter to the UN, who will probably send you a leaflet about human rights. If you can't get into the new freezer, I have an old chest freezer I can let you have for £20. It's a GEC 2000 model with an instant de-frost button, which you can press when you reach your desired year.
Dear Jenny, I was working as a postman and couldn't find the letterbox for this one house. So I broke a window, went upstairs and left their letters on their bed. Imagine my surprise when I was sacked. I tried to apologise by breaking back into the house and leaving a letter of apology in their kitchen, and have just been arrested. What should I do? I have already told the court appointed solicitor that I could afford a top notch QC and sent her home. Trouble is, I was only lying so she'd think I was rich and go out with me. - Gavin Toss, Didsbury Police Station (cell 2).
Jenny Says: Get a relative to send you a tin of Quality Street with a file in it. A file of solicitors phone numbers.
Dear Jenny,My iPod Shuffle's battery went dead in the children's library, and I was so angry that I screamed the F word and then threw an encyclopaedia into a fishtank. The library is demanding I pay for the book. I say I've already paid for it with my taxes. - Homer Awaye, Flitwick.
Jenny Says: You are both right. But you have cost the library money it won't recoup from your meager salary. Recharge your iPod and offer it to the librarian as a gift.
Dear Jenny,Last week I found an unexploded World War 2 bomb in my back garden. It looked dangerous, so I dropped it down a manhole, where it promptly exploded. Now no-one in my street has any water, electricity or gas. How do I sue these utilities for failing to provide a service? . - C. Trlkey, .
Jenny Says: You are both right. But you have cost the library money it won't recoup from your meager salary. Recharge your iPod and offer it to the librarian as a gift.
Dear Jenny, There's this new boy at school who's really lush, and all the girls fancy him. But he doesn't even know I exist! That's partly because I'm a 64 year old spinster who lives opposite the school and watches him through a telescope mounted on my garage roof. What can I do to make him notice me?
D.P. Nottingham
Jenny Says: Just be yourself. Actually, that might not work in your case. Try dressing as a 16 year old girl and asking him to the prom. That might work.